Editor's column: Henry Paulson rescues Christmas
Nov 18 2008
With Christmas in danger, Secretary of Treasury Henry Paulson put on his bailout hat today to announced his latest rescue effort.
“Christmas generates up to one-third of many small businesses’ annual income,” Paulson told a crowd of reporters. “Not that I care about small businesses, but all the money they collect is deposited directly into the banking system, so we have another possible disaster on our hands as our bankers are faced with the terrible prospect of potentially smaller bonuses this Christmas.”
Paulson revealed that Treasury agents, many dressed as elves, had permeated malls in recent days and detected a lack of Christmas spending, even at this early point in the season.
“Parents just don’t have the money they need this Christmas,” said the secretary. “And their kids are even worse off, as their parents have already raided their piggy banks, Kids just aren’t saving for Christmas like they used to because they know their parents will ‘borrow’ the money for food, clothing, shelter, and other non-Christmas spending.”
Paulson said the U.S. government can’t let the piggy bank crisis continue.
“We have to infuse this country’s millions of piggy banks with new dollars,” Paulson said, announcing a plan to stuff every piggy bank in the country with money, and not just coins.
“Carrying all those coins around would break the back of the Treasury Department,” Paulson said. “Instead, piggy banks will be stuffed with government IOUs that kids and their parents can redeem at the bank for ‘mall bucks’, which they must spend on Christmas shopping. This piggy bank infusion should go a long way toward solving the holiday fiscal crisis.”
That’s not the end of Treasury’s Christmas initiative. Paulson said that he noticed an unusual figure in the long line of executives seeking a federal handout. Behind the CEO’s of Ford, GM, Chrysler and the various banks and brokerage firms stood a stocky man with red suit, white beard and hearty ho, ho, ho.
“Santa made it plain that these are troubled times at the North Pole,” Paulson said. Apparently the toy factories are running at 50 percent capacity due to the high prices of raw materials when they were purchased last spring. Santa can’t afford to hire more help, and he’s having trouble paying health care benefits for his elves.
“Without a federal infusion of dollars, there may not be a Christmas for millions and boys and girls around the world,” Paulson said. “Not that I care about boys and girls, but let’s face it, if Santa cuts back on spending it’ll eventually hurt our bankers, who are having a bad enough year without having to cut back on their elaborate Christmas parties.”
Paulson surprised reporters by saying that as he was speaking, millions of $100 bills were floating down on the North Pole, dropped by a fleet of U.S. B-52 bombers. “It was the fastest way to infuse money into Santa’s operations,” Paulson said. “In fact, it’s working so well that the U.S. will cease dropping bombs everywhere in the world, and will instead drop money. This will help the desperate bankers in Iraq, Afghanistan and Syria, and should put them in our corner. We can thank the Santa initiative for showing us the way to world peace, which should generate more spending and help our troubled bankers.”
- Civil
- Smart
- On-topic
- Free of profanity
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