OFF THE RECORD: What you'd like to say to some people

One of the scarier aspects of e-mail is that when you click on the "Send" icon, those words and thoughts you labored over are on their way instantly with no turning back. So before you reach for that mighty mouse, you best double check that (A) your message is in fact going to the correct person, and, (B) you've read it over several times to make sure it's really what you wanna say.

Case in point. While reading my e-mail at a mini-mart in Australia last month, I received this not-so-friendly communique in response to a travel feature I wrote for The Herald about my week at Mountain Trek Fitness Resort in Ainsworth Hot Springs, B.C. Note that all spelling/grammar/punctuation are the sole property of the irate e-mailer:

"Ms. Krause: Are you from Canada? Maybe you live in a cave somewhere. Don't you know we're in the middle of a war and we're fighting this war almost entirely by ourselves, i.e. without help from our "good neighbor Canada". But then, what else is new? I just can't understand why anyone from the U.S.A. (if that's where you're from) would want to promote tourism for the Canadian government in view of this well known fact. Try boosting tourism for the State of Washington where so many of our young military members who, under ordinary circumstances, would I'm sure much rather be out enjoying the countryside as opposed to being under fire from the Iraqis. Looking forward to your next article which will probably promote tourism in the wine country of France versus the vineyards in the State of Washington!!!!!"

Obviously, I was steamed by the time I reached his final exclamation mark and more than eager to shoot him a snide and snotty response. But through the years I've learned to do a few warmups when replying to angry e-mailers. By the time I write the final version, I've settled down and managed to make my point without infecting the sender's computer with a vicious virus created by my wicked words. But one of these days I'd love to send some zingers like these in response to the aforementioned e-mail:

DEAR GROUCHO: How delightful to discover your e-mail of April 21, 2003, nestled in my in-box while traveling in Australia (a politically correct destination for you, I'm sure). Here are my responses to your comments/questions:

1. I'm not from Canada, but I do head north every chance I get. I love Canada and Canadians. In fact, I even have a red Roots Canada 2002 Olympics sweatshirt with a maple leaf over my heart that I wear with pride. I also have a white Roots USA 2002 sweatshirt that gets equal time.

2. The last time I checked, I did not live in a cave.

3. Thanks to the media, I am very aware that we are in the middle of a war without help from our "good neighbor Canada."

4. What else is new? Well, for starters, more than 50,000 people gathered in Sydney several months ago to protest the war.

5. For the second time, YES, I am from the U.S.A.

6. I'm pleased that you're looking forward to my next article. I was planning on a September biking trip in France but am going hiking in Scotland instead. But not because of the war.

7. The name is Frause, not Krause.

DEAR GROUCHO: Since I don't want to waste my own words, here are portions of an "Apology to Americans" that appeared on "This Hour Has 22 Minutes" on the CBC in early 2003. Oh, it's a Canadian comedy show.

"On behalf of Canadians everywhere, I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry.

I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our waffling in Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different: everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion and Lover Boy.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way, which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this, because, we've seen what you do to countries with whom you get upset with.

For 22 Minutes, I'm Anthony St. George. I'm Canadian. And I'm sorry."

And Mr. Grouch, please reconsider your boycott of Canada. It's really quite lovely this time of year.

Sue Frause can be reached by e-mail at skfrause@whidbey.com.

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