Playing golf the way God intended it

If you watch a game, it’s fun. If you play it, it’s recreation. If you work at it, it’s golf.

– Bob Hope

I was overdue for my annual game of golf, and my friend, Clif, was kind enough to invite me out to his place at Suncadia for a couple days of rest and relaxation. We also played a round of golf, which, if played with me, is neither restful nor relaxing.

I’m the first to admit that I am not the world’s most accomplished golfer. I’d be an even worse golfer than I am if I hadn’t perfected the art of improving my lie through the frequent and judicious application of my trusty shoe wedge. My years of experience as a lawyer have made it surprisingly easy for me to explain to my playing partners how the ball they saw me hit into the woods somehow turned up sitting nicely along the edge of the fairway, or how I managed to hit a Titleist out of the rough when I hit a Maxfli into it.

My future as a golfer is limited unless I can get more comfortable with the idea of a game where the person who gets to hit the ball the most loses. I’ve resisted becoming more interested in golf for many years because it was something I thought I wanted to save for my retirement. But I’ve entered those awkward years where, while I still feel like I’m too young to get serious about golf, I also feel like I’m too old to get out on the fast break or charge the net or run a fly pattern. I think I’d be OK if they offered a “Speed Golf” option, where you played in running shorts and shoes with only two clubs and jogged from one hole to the next.

I did manage to hit a couple of good shots and sink a few putts during the course of the day. I think overall my game suffered from my tendency to overcompensate for the Coriolis effect when lining up my putts. (Speaking of good shots, I believe it was Henny Youngman who said that while playing golf one time he hit only two good balls all day, and that was when he stepped on a rake.)

Besides playing a round of golf (without a cart and carrying our clubs on our backs, which, of course, is the way God intended golf be played), Clif and I went for a long walk, and I confess that I woke up the next morning more than a little sore. My left shoulder, right hamstring and lower back all hurt. I never used to feel that kind of soreness after even more strenuous activity, so I can only attribute it to my advancing age. I don’t know about you, but I’ll never make the mistake of turning 50 again. I’m also starting to think that this whole idea of the importance of physical activity is overrated. I mean, if exercise is so good for you, then why do virtually all professional athletes retire before they turn 35? The good news is that neither of us suffered any permanent injuries (other than to our dignity), and we did not cut ourselves with either the bottle opener or the cigar cutter, so I’m calling the trip an unqualified success.

We capped off our day with a run into Roslyn for Taco Tuesday at the historic Brick Tavern. On Tuesday nights at The Brick, tacos go for $1 a piece, and all Mexican beers are just $2 a bottle. At those prices, it can be a challenge to get your bill into double figures, although I’m happy to report that we managed to overcome that particular challenge, but just barely. When the bill came, I grabbed faster than you can say “Uno mas, por favor,” and insisted on paying for both our meals. Next time I have dinner with Clif, I’m going to order the surf and turf and a bottle of Lafitte Pincay 1986 and then remind him that it’s his turn to pick up the tab since I got it last time.

On the drive back from Roslyn, I got to wondering about one of the many things that disturb me about flying. If, in the unlikely event of a water landing, the airlines can get your seat cushion to turn into a flotation device, then why can’t they get the whole airplane to turn into a boat?

Islander Tom Tyner is an attorney

for the Trust for Public Land. He is author

of “Skeletons From Our Closet,”

a collection of writings on the island’s latte scene.

• Civil
• Smart
• On-topic
• Free from profanity

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