When teens and parents hit an impasse
By JOSHUA ADAM HICKS
Bellevue Reporter Staff Writer
Jan 03 2009
Bellevue program helps
families find common ground
Stuck. That’s the way Andrea Nikolic describes her life at age 16.
The Bellevue High senior, now 18, was an honors student with no record of trouble. Yet she wasn’t allowed to hang out with friends, participate in extracurricular activities, or even get a driver’s license.
Her father, Mike Nikolic, wouldn’t allow it.
“He was overprotective and controlling,” Andrea said. “He seemed to want to shelter me.”
The relationship had reached a breaking point by Andrea’s junior year, but it was nothing a little mobility couldn’t solve.
Andrea talked to her school counselor about moving to Texas, where she could live with her mother. But Mike refused to cede custody.
The counselor referred them to Bellevue’s Parent Teen Mediation Program.
“We needed to come to some sort of consensus and find some common ground so we could live together,” Andrea said.
What the pair came away with was a written agreement that would make their lives easier.
Mike agreed to buy his daughter a car and give her more freedom.
Andrea promised not to abuse her privileges. She’s still an honors student, only now she does choir, plays tennis, participates in school musicals, and works with a theater group in Seattle.
“After my dad got me a car, things improved incredibly,” Andrea said. “He’s accepted that I’m becoming more of an adult and I have to make my own decisions.”
Teenagers often experience conflict with parents because of changing roles, boundaries and rules, says city of Bellevue Mediation Program Manager Andrew Kidde. Parents start nagging, and the kids tune out.
Mediation aims to move people from their staked-out positions to search for solutions that suit all sides.
The key to getting there is listening and understanding each other, Kidde said.
Bellevue’s Parent Teen Mediation Program has refereed hundreds of disputes since it began 10 years ago. It includes a small army of negotiators ready to broker peace at any time.
The sessions are voluntary, confidential and free.
Bellevue resident Rhonda Younker has been volunteering with the program for three years, and says she was drawn to it because of her experience in management.
“Sometimes managers feel like we’re the kind of people who fix problems,” she said.
That doesn’t mean she could jump right into mediation. All adult negotiators complete 40 hours of training, plus a practicum that lasts around two years.
Younker now handles around six cases per year.
Each mediation team consists of an adult and a teen, which makes the negotiation process more comfortable for everyone involved.
“It brings some balance to the equation,” Younker said. “The situation might seem lopsided and overwhelming for a teen with just two adults involved.”
The teen negotiators complete 40 hours of training and must come from a different school than the resolution seekers, ensuring that the mediation sessions are truly confidential. They also earn community-service hours by volunteering with the program.
“It’s an incredible experience that they get doing important and challenging work in the community,” Kidde said.
Problems tend to escalate during the holidays, when kids are dealing with finals and parents are buying gifts and making plans for vacations, festivities, or both
Kidde says mediation can be an attractive alternative for people who don’t want to deal with the stigmas attached to help from a therapist.
“Mediation can be very healing in a non-medical way,” he said. “It treats the relationship rather than the individual.”
The process worked for Andrea.
“It was more like counseling, not therapy,” she said. “Everything was fair and balanced in the end.”
Joshua Adam Hicks can be reached at jhicks@bellevuereporter.com or 425-453-4290.
Learn more
For additional information about the parent-teen mediation program visit www.bellevuewa.go/parents_and_teens or call 425-452-4091.
Bellevue program helps
families find common ground
Stuck. That’s the way Andrea Nikolic describes her life at age 16.
The Bellevue High senior, now 18, was an honors student with no record of trouble. Yet she wasn’t allowed to hang out with friends, participate in extracurricular activities, or even get a driver’s license.
Her father, Mike Nikolic, wouldn’t allow it.
“He was overprotective and controlling,” Andrea said. “He seemed to want to shelter me.”
The relationship had reached a breaking point by Andrea’s junior year, but it was nothing a little mobility couldn’t solve.
Andrea talked to her school counselor about moving to Texas, where she could live with her mother. But Mike refused to cede custody.
The counselor referred them to Bellevue’s Parent Teen Mediation Program.
“We needed to come to some sort of consensus and find some common ground so we could live together,” Andrea said.
What the pair came away with was a written agreement that would make their lives easier.
Mike agreed to buy his daughter a car and give her more freedom.
Andrea promised not to abuse her privileges. She’s still an honors student, only now she does choir, plays tennis, participates in school musicals, and works with a theater group in Seattle.
“After my dad got me a car, things improved incredibly,” Andrea said. “He’s accepted that I’m becoming more of an adult and I have to make my own decisions.”
Teenagers often experience conflict with parents because of changing roles, boundaries and rules, says city of Bellevue Mediation Program Manager Andrew Kidde. Parents start nagging, and the kids tune out.
Mediation aims to move people from their staked-out positions to search for solutions that suit all sides.
The key to getting there is listening and understanding each other, Kidde said.
Bellevue’s Parent Teen Mediation Program has refereed hundreds of disputes since it began 10 years ago. It includes a small army of negotiators ready to broker peace at any time.
The sessions are voluntary, confidential and free.
Bellevue resident Rhonda Younker has been volunteering with the program for three years, and says she was drawn to it because of her experience in management.
“Sometimes managers feel like we’re the kind of people who fix problems,” she said.
That doesn’t mean she could jump right into mediation. All adult negotiators complete 40 hours of training, plus a practicum that lasts around two years.
Younker now handles around six cases per year.
Each mediation team consists of an adult and a teen, which makes the negotiation process more comfortable for everyone involved.
“It brings some balance to the equation,” Younker said. “The situation might seem lopsided and overwhelming for a teen with just two adults involved.”
The teen negotiators complete 40 hours of training and must come from a different school than the resolution seekers, ensuring that the mediation sessions are truly confidential. They also earn community-service hours by volunteering with the program.
“It’s an incredible experience that they get doing important and challenging work in the community,” Kidde said.
Problems tend to escalate during the holidays, when kids are dealing with finals and parents are buying gifts and making plans for vacations, festivities, or both
Kidde says mediation can be an attractive alternative for people who don’t want to deal with the stigmas attached to help from a therapist.
“Mediation can be very healing in a non-medical way,” he said. “It treats the relationship rather than the individual.”
The process worked for Andrea.
“It was more like counseling, not therapy,” she said. “Everything was fair and balanced in the end.”
Joshua Adam Hicks can be reached at jhicks@bellevuereporter.com or 425-453-4290.
Learn more
For additional information about the parent-teen mediation program visit www.bellevuewa.go/parents_and_teens or call 425-452-4091.
Bellevue Reporter Staff Writer Joshua Adam Hicks can be reached at jhicks@bellevuereporter.com or 425-453-4290.- Civil
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